I

Hi, I'm Megan. What's your name?

Anywho, nice to meet you. Again, I am Megan.

Have you ever wondered who we are, where we actually came from, what we are supposed to be and how did "I" came about?

I've begun to question my existence, and thus the random questions above. I am quite curious of the third question as well as the one after. I question who I am supposed to be. Now, I'm just a 15 year old teenager with nothing set in the future. The path ahead is blurry, I guess. As you can see, I am neither popular, nor good looking. I am what you call a stereotypical asian, except I'm lacking the brain part (I do not have exceptionally good grades). I don't know about you, but my thoughts get influnced by others. Especially inspirational and eccentric people. I am interested with people with unique thoughts, but I never do have thoughts like that. Sometimes, it just makes me think. Sometimes, I want to be like them and thus, I imitate how they act for a day, just for a taste of their way of life. But other times, I wonder. And then, I had an epiphany.

We are all shells.

We won't get noticed by many beings, but people will find us if they seek for us. That is, if they want to get to know us. It matters who finds you though. Some people may think you are not worth their time, some people may think you are the most wonderful thing on earth. Either way, you are going to get caught up in both the situations. In an ocassion where you get picked up by a lousy person, you start to think negatively about yourself. But as the person finds no meaning in you, they will let you go and that is when you begin your journey waiting for somebody who appreciates you for who you are. When the time comes, you are all that matters to the people who adore you. 

This leads to my real motive of today:

There are circa 7.042 billion people in the world as of now. You are one of the 7.042 billion people. There will be many who won't know you, but a vast circle may. There may be people who are particularly fond of you, but remember the number. Someday, somebody will make you feel even more important than what you think you are worth. Never stop waiting.

Dark

I hate it the most when people ignore me. Like, I make the effort to even talk to your sorry ass while your whatsapp flipped from online to last seen like wtf. Can I fucking kill you and throw you into a river? Just because you're pretty and have a boyfriend means you can "neglect" me? I feel stupid for even kind of missing our friendship. You are just downright trash. I know I'll be mad for awhile, but fine later but I just had to rant. You are an ignorant piece of shit. Literal shit. People may think "you're just jealous" but no I'm not jealous. Frankly speaking, I hate relationships. It just makes people cry and when you are in one, you tend to forget all about the people around you. I'm just sad that after you had gotten yourself a guyfriend, you totally disowned me. We don't even have nice conversations without either of one stopping it. Last night, you slept which is understandable. Today, you ignored me in the morning after I just said "oh lol". Just imagine me replying to your "haha" messages, slut. Then, you ignored me after I told you about doc marten boots like WTF. What did the Docs do to you? It's as if you're busy texting that shitass boyfriend who treats you like crap, and ignoring me. Does that make you feel good? Plus you had yet to reply to my question you bag of fats.

Literally flipping you off and replaying the day I kill you in my mind.

Once again

Hi.

Sometimes I realise.

When I sit at the corner of the room, or even when I'm alone on the couch or when I'm surrounded by people.

I'm lonely.

Like literally, lonely.

What I do all day:

Bathe

Social Media

Homework

But by social media, I mean youtube, instagram, facebook and twitter. We don't neccessarily communicate there, it's like a scroll-and-go kind of thing. Most of the time, I'm just at home looking at other people on the internet. It's ironic how I'm always surrounded by people, and my friends say I somehow make them laugh. But well, when it comes down to it, I'm just one heck of a lonely dudette who enjoys company with people. Like, people act differently infront of different people. 

Most of the time.

But frankly speaking, I'm not really "surrounded" by people, just by afew people. I don't know when this happened, but for now, I know I'm alone. I have nobody to talk to, and really, I can't tell this to my bestfriend. What if she judges me and stuff? I bet she wouldn't but I just don't have the confidence to express my feelings. Tell her she's putting misters before sisters, tell her about what I'm feeling inside.

It's like even if I have friends, I feel alone. Even in my family excluding my grandma and grandpa (I love those dudes although they may be alittle annoying).

I don't know when I had start thinking about all of these things and start realizing various things. But I just did.

I can tell that my mum likes my brother better. It's like every single time, she'll just be infront, walking with my brother and I'll be behind, fiddling with my phone (social media) and listening to music. It's like something I expect when we go out as a "family". I'm always a step behind them.

Sometimes I wonder, when will I stop thinking negatively? I guess never. I guess it's part of growing. I guess boyfriends are more important than friends. 

Social media.

People used to make arrangements face to face, but now, everybody's sending text messages. Confessions becomes little messages and calls you receive. Love doesn't feel the same like the old days.

I wish someday, I'll be happy again. i'll find my Park. Someday.

The sky

People say that the sky signifies freedom and whatnot. But didn't some say that blue was the color of sadness? black is just..dark and red means angry. During clear days, the sky is blue. During rainy days, it's grey, almost black and during some evenings, the sky looks crimson. Doesn't that mean that the bright sky is actually sad? The rainy days that are meant to be peaceful is actually feeling dark, depressed? The beautiful evenings where the ocassional red is seen means that the sky is angry? It's really ironic.

It's a tragedy.

It's a tragedy that so many people attempt suicide like, what's even more glorious then life, right? But sometimes, life isn't all glamorous and stuff. It's just hell and literal bull shit. You feel like the world's just chipping away and people all look the same and everybody talks the same way and acts the same way. The world just isn't how it was before. People are afraid to take risks. I guess that's because we all want to be accepted, nobody likes being an outcast, including me. I would love to express my fashion to the world, ripped jeans, denim jacket, real cool top and real cool boots. Really hipster ey? This fashion sense was unique a few years back, but now it's just typical clothing. I want to be diferent from the rest, you feel? But that's how life is. You either act one way and get accepted, or act another way and be an outcast. 

I have a mother. And she's quite a mother. She just speaks her mind like 

"Did you see that gay couple?"

"That lady looks crazy."

"Those ripped jeans make them look homeless."

And that's how judgemental people are guys, life isn't that sweet with nice, kind and selfless people out there. People now judge you for your looks. Even valentines is different, people give chocolates to their friends, I mean I guess yeah, you could, but isn't valentines about love for your lover? Like you can't possibly love a thousand people right?

Anyway, things have changed. I would loovee to go back to the past and live as a 70s teenager.

Ok, so moving on, I found this guy on youtube today, Tim Peltzer. He's german, sings and have a good fashion sense. Let's let the picture talk alright?

Yeah, very different. Although we're almost the same age, he's like my role model. He's not afraid to mix and match things, stand out and just be himself. Btw he was in the Voice Kids and it was epic. Anywho, I guess people should just be themselves and well, enjoy life. Haha

peace 

-meg

Reincarnation

If I were to be born again, I would like to be a bird. I want to be free, I don't want to be with people. I just want to fly through the sky whenever and wherever, feel the wind around my arms, and fly as fast as I can. Life would be boring perhaps, without all the drama. But I'll be fine that way. I'm alone anyway.

I realise whenever I'm writing, I'm writing about sad things. But basically, that's all I think about whenever I'm not surrounded by people. I think about the worst scenarios, being alone, being fat and ugly  and every other little thing. You could call me acting 'emo', but i really am not trying to act at all. This is who i am, a sad person. I wouldn't call myself depressed, but i'm not happy. You can call me selfish because at least i have friends and my family, but really, I feel empty, like I would dissapear without a trace any second. As if nobody would remember me, as if I wasn't even alive. Afterall, the world is such a big place filled with insignificant creatures.

It would be nice if..

I'm not stupid

Don't give me your bullshit. Since you've met him, I don't think we've been that close anymore. We don't talk as much as we used to. Everybody around me are getting into relationships, while I'm just here, in the room watching movies alone. Everytime they would always go out together. And sometimes, g would be there and she speaks nothing of it. They would always leave me all alone. It doesn't take a genius to know they're alone and left behind, you got that? I hate people who are in love. They forget about their surroundings and commit to their partners, it's like I'm just a booty call so that she's not alone during school hours. I feel like dying. Nobody understands and nobody really cares. I hate myself. I hate myself because i feel so alone, insecure. I hate myself because no matter how much i hate myself and want to die, I know I can't do it.

Sooner or later, I'll just be alone.

perfection

What is the meaning of perfection really? Being flawless? Beautiful? Handsome? Kind? Bold? Brave? or even imperfect? The dictionary says that perfection is absolute, complete, as good as one can be. People say perfection is not attainable, but I think not. Perfection just isn't seen on a daily basis. Perfection is very rare, something that don't come by that often. Thus, people think that perfection does not exist. 

In all honesty, I kind of believe that a worldwide perfection doesn't really exist, but to each their own. Everyone has a different standard of perfection. My perfection could be reading a book in a windy hut, but yours could be living the dream life, like being rich, living in a splendid mansion and things like that. I may think Leonardo Dicaprico is perfect, but others may not share the same thought. You see, imperfections are never seen to be perfect to the person having it. But it may be with a little helping hand. One may find another's imperfection to be perfect and this may influence the thoughts of the other party, they begin to love themselves more and embrace that imperfection.

The catch is, if you find a perfect imperfection in someone, try to convey how you feel. You'll never know until you actually say it out, how it may impact the other person. Remember, beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I bet that "beholder" could make beauty even more beautiful than it already is. Everybody is beautiful, but not absolutely complete. You'll know what is this thing we call "perfection" when you actually see it.

i didn't mean it

I have no idea why, but I'm probably the most meanest girl I know. I say things I don't mean, I say the truth straight to people's face, and in all honesty, nobody likes to know the bad truth. People go around saying people who lie are "bastards" but, they are the ones who get upset whenever someone says something true that isn't pleasant.

Anyway, today is cross country, and I came in FIRST!.. From the back haha. 

Actually.. This blog post isn't abt truth and cross country, but is about the guy i like.

You see, he have liked this girl for 2 years. I'm afraid. Afraid that this will turn into yet another unrequited love.

Honestly..

As teenagers, all we think about (probably, majority of the time) is love, love and LOVE. 

Actually, I've been talking to this guy since last year, and at first, he liked me. He told me, I rejected him. The only reason is that I wasn't sure of my feelings. But now, I think I like him. But I'm not going to tell my friends because it's a secret.

So this guy liked this girl for supposedly 2 years, and he still likes her. And as we all know, teenagers like me tend to fall for guys who are funny. I mean, I like handsome dudes, but the funny ones get my heart. I mean, what's in it to be with an awkward and attractive guy? The most is you gain popularity or something, but you gain almost nothing. On the other hand, a funny guy makes you happy, and sometimes they are such good listeners. You just can't help but to fall for them every single day, all over again. 

Anyway, back to the point. The guy's funny and kind of cute. I don't get why most of the guys I've talked to always likes a girl they don't talk to often. It's like, hello, you dumb? And what's more is that, the girl shows her distaste to that guy, but he still likes her.

I'm afraid actually. I'm afraid of liking someone, afraid of crushes, afraid of everything related to relationships and love.

Things haven't been smooth sailing for me. The first ever boyfriend I had was actually someone I really liked. He's somebody I can't ever forget tbh. He was everything I could ask for, funny, cute and attractive. He had a certain unique charm, and y'all know, gurls love dem some sporty dudess (; . But unfortunately, that relationship ended.

The second and third and fourth relationship was all because I couldn't reject them. They lasted for 2 weeks, 1 day and 1 month respectively. 

So, the fifth relationship. I liked the guy. He was just like my first boyfriend when I think about it. Glasses, tall, slim and sporty. I liked him alot. But when we were together, he didn't put in any effort to talk to me. I feel that some guys act like it's all "i gotcha, u mine, whateva, y u leave me?". And when we actually break up with them, they're like "girls are all the same." I mean, they don't get what they're doing wrong huh. I admit, this relationship ending was partially my fault because I didn't find the need to entertain a douchebag like that.

So this leads me to my unrequited love. I was on the train, and I saw my Thai classmate, and the next thing I knew, he facebook messaged me, asking for my number. We talked for about a year ( on and off ). Sometimes, he would give me false alarms, like how he gave me this build a bear bunny for my birthday, asked to go to school and from school back home together. So, we stopped talking after awhile because there was a rumour that he liked another girl. He dropped the bomb. This year, he gave that girl a rose. I was devastated, but I tried to smile my way through the day. Thank god my friends didn't notice that.

And then, back to the guy I'm currently talking to, he didn't even reacted to that incident, he didn't even mention it. I had told him before that I had a crush on that guy. Most probably he didn't remember it, so he didn't mention anything about that rose drama thing.

I like how he's ignorant about somethings.

I like how his cheeks turns red whenever he's shy.

I like how he likes the girl even though she apparently dislike him to bits.

I like how his voice sounds gentle.

I like how he smells.

So yeah, this is probably going to be unrequited love 2, but who actually gives a damn anyway, right?

Bruised

Just a short update.

So..this week, i got hit. Twice. On accident. On my hand, and on my forehead. The one on my hand left a bruise, but I'm not sure about the one on my forehead. It still hurts after hours though ugh. Please tell me more about my clumsiness ): . 

yeah, that's the bruise.

Since I'm such a pig, I wanted to get a pair of nike sports shoes, but then that was when i realised, I am as broke as shattered glass. Literally, the shoe I want costs about $100+

Ugh. Want it soo badly.

Anyway, Valentines is in about a week, and I'm SINGLE yay! I used to want company, but I'm officially done with that.

On the topic of "valentines", I started talking to a guy I used to talk to before. But all of a sudden, he just..stopped. I hate it when it happens. I know this is cliche and attention-seeking but, why do people always leave me one way or another? Truthfully, I'm done with all that bullshit and can't be bothered. But I still demand answers. Did I do something wrong? Just tell me!

People & Friends

People are weird. One moment they would be happily talking to you, the next moment, they would be ignoring you and looking at you as if you're scum. Well, not people actually, but..specifically, girls. Don't get me wrong, not ALL girls are like that, just a handfull. I'm a girl too, and I will gladly tell all them guys: girls DO have lots of drama going on in their lives ok.

Take for example, my "ex"-bestfriend. One day, we were talking in our usual clique(4LC), and the next day, she was never to be seen in school again. And it turned out to be due to a huge misunderstanding. I don't mean to hate, but can't some girls be a little less dramatic? Anyway, she transferred. But, it's okay now, we're still friends, but..yknow, we can't instantly click like we used to. The sudden dissapearance shit ain't going to disappear from our memories. We can't pretend it didn't happen.

Yeah, moving on from that negative topic..to another negative one(haha), I now have a new clique, but with the same people+ another girl(MNET). So, there's this thing going on. My bestest of the best friend(T) suspects that E is indirecting us on twitter, but I strongly believe that she isn't. But a part of me think that she doesn't really like us. That's E, and now, T. I love T. I mean, she's the bestest best friend I could ever ask for. But sometimes, she copies what I say, what I do, like, bitch please, have some originality (says the girl who used "bitch please"). Sometimes I get jealous, like she gets attention because of something she copied from me. E.g., my catch-phrases and my actions. Some junior said she had originality, but tbh, some of her tweets were definitely copied from me. Take for example, I said people who says society is fat and too high-maintainence, shit, all them people are society itself. She agrees, and the next thing I know, she's saying the exact same thing to someone else. Like seriously? It's not that I'm "selfish" or anything, but I was the one who thought of it, and you're there, getting all the attention. And there was this other time, T came to school with side bangs, and a few weeks later, some random dude came up to us and asked if I copied her because I also had side bangs, but seriously? I had it since I was 13. The first day in high school(SS), I came with side bangs and she came with her a little pass shoulder length hair. She didn't even have a fringe! But I hate it when people think that way. What do they know. Ok, I promise this is the last point, there's still a long list, but this blogpost would go on and on. Anyway, there was once, I wore a black skater skirt, a tank top and a cardigan. And weeks or 2-3 months later, she wore something similar. A black skater skirt, our grey fitted top and a cardigan. Like wtf, does SHE have to copy what I wear too? That's not all. I wore jeans and shirt the other day and I took a picture of it, sent it to the group and talked. The next day, T was wearing jeans and a shirt. T wasn't someone who wore jeans. She was always someone who wore shorts and skirts. But why did she wore her jeans the day after I sent the picture? Obviously because she thought I looked normal in it and she wanted to compare us maybe? Idk but people are screwed up, especially me.

But sometimes..whenever I think that way, I feel really bad. I want to STOP thinking this way, let her copy whatever she wants, she's my bestfriend, what can I do about it? But on the other hand, I hate how she's always stealing my ideas. I'm always the one sad and alone, while she's more well-liked and stuff. I admit, I'm kind of jealous, but she doesn't have to say what I said to her right? I hate it. I think everyone hate it too, right? Well..maybe it's just me. 

Anyway, it's not like I want to be famous or anything, but I wish for everything to be fair, I know "fair" isn't realistic, but I just want everyone to be equal. If not, please, anybody, please rescue me.

School

So.. School had started. And the first 2 days were already horrible.

Day 1

// subject combinations were wrong

// i got paint on my skirt that wouldn't come off

// apparently i was in the wrong class

Day 2

// the new skirt i bought was of the wrong size

// my feet hurt because of the new shoes

// my arm hurts because i bought books, and they weigh like friggin 100kg

So, the start of school/a new year was plain bad. Just hoping it'll get better though. Anywho, we went to Science Centre on Friday(Day 2). I have to admit that it was fun, but I'm beginning to get bored of places like Science Centre & Discovery Centre because we go there every year. Like, they could bring us to somewhere new, yknow, like Singapore Museum? Probably not many people had gone there before.

So..we found a rather interesting thing.

This! Kind of like a magic trick haha!

Yeah. So, bye.

14/1/13

company

I've just watched running man(ep181), and Lee Jong Suk and Song Ji Hyo are so sweet together. Maybe holding hands, linking arms and doing that "forehead kiss" in secret is really thrilling. Although it wasn't based on love, somehow, it felt like there was only two of them in the world, like they could do anything together. I truly loved the forehead kiss because sjh and ljs are the perfect match based on height.

Sometimes when I see those skinship that couples do (not sucking face, but the kind of sweet & gentle one, yknow?), I feel really envious. Like, I want a boyfriend, but at the same time, no. Actually, I want a long term boyfriend. Someone who will be there for me no matter what. Although this is really cliché, I want a boyfriend who is like a bestfriend, kind of like in between lovers and friends. Not quite friends, but lovers who can talk about all sort of things together.

So.. I've been talking to this guy called Marcus for awhile. He's a classmate! P.S. I don't have a crush on him. But, it's like.. I hate it when he just doesn't reply me. Like, the last message I sent him was to talk later because he was gaming, but he didn't reply! Even an OK would work, you know? Just to acknowledge and let me know you saw the message, and agree to talk to me later. But, still, people weren't made to live up to our expectations.

Update on school: 

School's fine. I've been coping with work and stuff. Actually, I'm proud to say that this year, I'm more organised and more productive. I keep my notes for various subjects seperated into different files (except for Chinese and some English because I'm too lazy haha) and I am doing my homework really quickly. Although some lessons, I couldn't understand properly, overall, I'm doing good. I still remember during SS period, Mr Samy kind of scolded me because I was not being attentive, so totally unlike me, but his lessons were too boring, like I could sleep and never wake up. Worst part is, my classmate told him that I would be heart broken and cry (seriously..) and he ended up apologizing? If he wants to scold me, just do it. Apology not accepted, think before you speak, sir..is what I wanted to say, but I didn't want to get into trouble. Trouble is really troublesome haha, really though, I'm too lazy to listen to all those crap teachers and the school put us through. Detention? Really? Outside the office? How creative.

Update on life:

Doing quite ok. 

•••••••

Because I think my lips look pretty here.

Gosh, I'm seriously too self-centered ._.