okay

i wonder if i will ever love someone to the point that even after his death, i'd still love him unconditionally. i bet i'd have to wait for another few centuries to really find out what it means to love.

i've just finished The Fault In Our Stars, a book that features cancer and two 16 year old teens(a guy and a girl). The unexpected happens, like how Augustus had a recurrence of his cancer, and end up as a sick, dying youth, the opposite of what happened a few months before. just because you've been cancer free for a long time, doesn't mean that it won't come back. death is unexpected, something everybody and everything on earth can't escape from. everyone is bound to die one day. someday, nobody would even remember who Beyonce is.

i've started to think. what are funerals for? for the dead to appreciate from above, or for the living to remorse over the dead. why do people cry over ill and dying people? is it because they are afraid of "death? or is it because the person is someone dear?

in the book, Augustus and Hazel Grace decided that "okay" would be their "always". it's a special thing between the both of them. but the fact that a word as insignificant as "okay" could be a magical word that connects them really is something else.

i wonder, if i would have an "always"/"okay" with my loved ones. it feels like an oath, to pledge to be together, forever.

what i'd give to experience true love..

imperfections

as i'm a normal teenage girl, i have my own insecurities and things i don't like about my body. here's a list of my imperfections.

1. Moles

i have no idea why, but i have a lot of moles on my body? like, my right middle finger has one, my face has three, my leg has one and the rest of my body. like literally, i'm not kidding, there is so so much. i'm not saying i hate them, but they bother me. it's like, i'd rather be mole-free. some people tease me because of my moles, and some thinks i look better with them(but i totally do not agree). 

2. Body hair

a friend of mine told me that body hair may be due to the mother eating beef during pregnancy. i asked my mum, and apparently, she was constantly craving for western food. i think this is probably why i'm so hairy even though my mum and grandparents aren't hairy at all. i have like hair on my legs, toes, fingers, arms, stomache and even my forehead (surprise,surprise)! it's friggin absurd. my friends tell me it wasn't that bad, but i find it utterly disgusting. a female should NOT have body hairs! 

3. Fat

i'm not like victoria secret angels, neither am i an obese chick. i just have a curved out tummy, flabby thighs that jiggles when i walk, flabby arms and a round face. i've tried like pilates before, but i gave up because i couldn't resist the oh so glorious desserts. i envy girls with slim legs and stomache WITHOUT exercise. like, how on earth do they do that? good genes maybe? dang. 

but well, after awhile, i've learnt to accept all my imperfections. not many have the moles i have. some(weird people) wants moles, but they weren't born with them. moles are what make me unique. haha, that sentence sounds so weird! and..i guess, i shouldn't complain much because it was how god created me. i bet someone will accept all my imperfections! although i'm not skinny and pretty like tumblr girls and stuff, at least i'm happy and healthy!

second choice

I've realised a lot of things are changing. my best friend have had somebody she likes for a very long time. well..we have 2 cliques. one with just us girls(MNET), and another, with our 2 seniors(MGDT). sometimes, i feel so left out. i thought i wasn't lonely, but the truth is, i am not as important to my best friend as i thought i was. i live far away from the rest of my friends, and when MGDT decides to meet, most of the time, they don't invite me. like, when they have breakfast really early in the morning. they don't even ask. hah. it's like, nobody cares about how i feel. even if i couldn't, they should've asked me. just let me know, that i'm wanted. not keep me in the dark! i hate it. i really hate it..nobody would ever understand. occasionally, i feel like..transferring to another school, or even study aboard(which is impossible). but, the fact that i'll be going to somewhere unfamiliar scares me.

just..nobody understands.

outing

today i went to sentosa with twinkle, glenn and donovan. we didn't have any activities lined up, thus we ended up walking all around for 4 hours or more. at the end of the day, my legs hurt sooo bad lol! no joke. it was sore and stuff. anyway, my school books are going to be  delivered tomorrow and i'm kind of NOT looking forward to it, because i have to pack ugh. to add to that, i successfully withdrawed money from my bank today (yes!). yeah, i'm an amateur at this aspect haha. 

discovery at night

tonight i think i'm able to relax myself more. i discovered this piece called "gymnopedie no. 1", and it's really calming! i feel that i can have a good night rest today. anyway, last night i had the wildest dream. a few hot guys transferred to our school and we talked about inappropriate stuff..haha! it's really funny, and there's this exceptionally charming guy with a mix of yellow and brown eyes. the only thing i could remember was the colour of those eyes though. i guess people really do notice the eyes of others first, before they actually look at someone as a whole..unless, they're just passing by, i bet the first thing we'd notice is the colour of their hair. really, colours are fascinating. from the dull black, to stricking neon colours. colours can represent our moods too, and may help to lift other's moods. anyway, it's 12.16am and i'm heading to sleep while listening to my current music obsessions,

different worlds by jes hudak and gymnopedie no. 1.

6.38pm

the person i've been crushing on for 2 years talked to me. well...i was awkward and..it ended with me saying goodbye haha /: . i feel really bad though. i shouldn't have done that. but..what's done is done. i'm alone again. he likes someone else, but why does he have to talk to me at a time like this? when i'm lonely and helpless, he always start conversations. i don't want to fall in love with him again. never again, please, i hope i can contain these feelings. i think it's better to be alone, but..i don't want to  be alone, i want to talk to him. but i'm awkward and i don't know what to say. i guess i should just.. shut out the world and be alone. once and for all. i really do hope i don't fall in love again, because it'll only hurt me. he has someone he likes. ugh, i'm so stupid.

lonely

why do i feel so lonely when i have so many nice people around me? why do i feel sad whenever i am alone? i think the truth is, i hate being alone, anti-social, awkward and liked by none. everybody should have somebody to be there for them. a friend, a lover or just somebody out there, willing to listen to them chatter non-stop. for me, i have nobody. nobody who would actually talk to me and understand me. i guess i have to open up to people, but i just can't do that. sometimes, i'm just afraid of being alone. not physically alone, but..mentally. the thought of knowing someone is there for you, just eases your soul. 

due to this depressing and uncomfortable feeling i'm encountering now, i decided to write something like a poem. to de-stress, let go, and just write about my feelings