I

Hi, I'm Megan. What's your name?

Anywho, nice to meet you. Again, I am Megan.

Have you ever wondered who we are, where we actually came from, what we are supposed to be and how did "I" came about?

I've begun to question my existence, and thus the random questions above. I am quite curious of the third question as well as the one after. I question who I am supposed to be. Now, I'm just a 15 year old teenager with nothing set in the future. The path ahead is blurry, I guess. As you can see, I am neither popular, nor good looking. I am what you call a stereotypical asian, except I'm lacking the brain part (I do not have exceptionally good grades). I don't know about you, but my thoughts get influnced by others. Especially inspirational and eccentric people. I am interested with people with unique thoughts, but I never do have thoughts like that. Sometimes, it just makes me think. Sometimes, I want to be like them and thus, I imitate how they act for a day, just for a taste of their way of life. But other times, I wonder. And then, I had an epiphany.

We are all shells.

We won't get noticed by many beings, but people will find us if they seek for us. That is, if they want to get to know us. It matters who finds you though. Some people may think you are not worth their time, some people may think you are the most wonderful thing on earth. Either way, you are going to get caught up in both the situations. In an ocassion where you get picked up by a lousy person, you start to think negatively about yourself. But as the person finds no meaning in you, they will let you go and that is when you begin your journey waiting for somebody who appreciates you for who you are. When the time comes, you are all that matters to the people who adore you. 

This leads to my real motive of today:

There are circa 7.042 billion people in the world as of now. You are one of the 7.042 billion people. There will be many who won't know you, but a vast circle may. There may be people who are particularly fond of you, but remember the number. Someday, somebody will make you feel even more important than what you think you are worth. Never stop waiting.

Dark

I hate it the most when people ignore me. Like, I make the effort to even talk to your sorry ass while your whatsapp flipped from online to last seen like wtf. Can I fucking kill you and throw you into a river? Just because you're pretty and have a boyfriend means you can "neglect" me? I feel stupid for even kind of missing our friendship. You are just downright trash. I know I'll be mad for awhile, but fine later but I just had to rant. You are an ignorant piece of shit. Literal shit. People may think "you're just jealous" but no I'm not jealous. Frankly speaking, I hate relationships. It just makes people cry and when you are in one, you tend to forget all about the people around you. I'm just sad that after you had gotten yourself a guyfriend, you totally disowned me. We don't even have nice conversations without either of one stopping it. Last night, you slept which is understandable. Today, you ignored me in the morning after I just said "oh lol". Just imagine me replying to your "haha" messages, slut. Then, you ignored me after I told you about doc marten boots like WTF. What did the Docs do to you? It's as if you're busy texting that shitass boyfriend who treats you like crap, and ignoring me. Does that make you feel good? Plus you had yet to reply to my question you bag of fats.

Literally flipping you off and replaying the day I kill you in my mind.

Once again

Hi.

Sometimes I realise.

When I sit at the corner of the room, or even when I'm alone on the couch or when I'm surrounded by people.

I'm lonely.

Like literally, lonely.

What I do all day:

Bathe

Social Media

Homework

But by social media, I mean youtube, instagram, facebook and twitter. We don't neccessarily communicate there, it's like a scroll-and-go kind of thing. Most of the time, I'm just at home looking at other people on the internet. It's ironic how I'm always surrounded by people, and my friends say I somehow make them laugh. But well, when it comes down to it, I'm just one heck of a lonely dudette who enjoys company with people. Like, people act differently infront of different people. 

Most of the time.

But frankly speaking, I'm not really "surrounded" by people, just by afew people. I don't know when this happened, but for now, I know I'm alone. I have nobody to talk to, and really, I can't tell this to my bestfriend. What if she judges me and stuff? I bet she wouldn't but I just don't have the confidence to express my feelings. Tell her she's putting misters before sisters, tell her about what I'm feeling inside.

It's like even if I have friends, I feel alone. Even in my family excluding my grandma and grandpa (I love those dudes although they may be alittle annoying).

I don't know when I had start thinking about all of these things and start realizing various things. But I just did.

I can tell that my mum likes my brother better. It's like every single time, she'll just be infront, walking with my brother and I'll be behind, fiddling with my phone (social media) and listening to music. It's like something I expect when we go out as a "family". I'm always a step behind them.

Sometimes I wonder, when will I stop thinking negatively? I guess never. I guess it's part of growing. I guess boyfriends are more important than friends. 

Social media.

People used to make arrangements face to face, but now, everybody's sending text messages. Confessions becomes little messages and calls you receive. Love doesn't feel the same like the old days.

I wish someday, I'll be happy again. i'll find my Park. Someday.

The sky

People say that the sky signifies freedom and whatnot. But didn't some say that blue was the color of sadness? black is just..dark and red means angry. During clear days, the sky is blue. During rainy days, it's grey, almost black and during some evenings, the sky looks crimson. Doesn't that mean that the bright sky is actually sad? The rainy days that are meant to be peaceful is actually feeling dark, depressed? The beautiful evenings where the ocassional red is seen means that the sky is angry? It's really ironic.

It's a tragedy.

It's a tragedy that so many people attempt suicide like, what's even more glorious then life, right? But sometimes, life isn't all glamorous and stuff. It's just hell and literal bull shit. You feel like the world's just chipping away and people all look the same and everybody talks the same way and acts the same way. The world just isn't how it was before. People are afraid to take risks. I guess that's because we all want to be accepted, nobody likes being an outcast, including me. I would love to express my fashion to the world, ripped jeans, denim jacket, real cool top and real cool boots. Really hipster ey? This fashion sense was unique a few years back, but now it's just typical clothing. I want to be diferent from the rest, you feel? But that's how life is. You either act one way and get accepted, or act another way and be an outcast. 

I have a mother. And she's quite a mother. She just speaks her mind like 

"Did you see that gay couple?"

"That lady looks crazy."

"Those ripped jeans make them look homeless."

And that's how judgemental people are guys, life isn't that sweet with nice, kind and selfless people out there. People now judge you for your looks. Even valentines is different, people give chocolates to their friends, I mean I guess yeah, you could, but isn't valentines about love for your lover? Like you can't possibly love a thousand people right?

Anyway, things have changed. I would loovee to go back to the past and live as a 70s teenager.

Ok, so moving on, I found this guy on youtube today, Tim Peltzer. He's german, sings and have a good fashion sense. Let's let the picture talk alright?

Yeah, very different. Although we're almost the same age, he's like my role model. He's not afraid to mix and match things, stand out and just be himself. Btw he was in the Voice Kids and it was epic. Anywho, I guess people should just be themselves and well, enjoy life. Haha

peace 

-meg

Reincarnation

If I were to be born again, I would like to be a bird. I want to be free, I don't want to be with people. I just want to fly through the sky whenever and wherever, feel the wind around my arms, and fly as fast as I can. Life would be boring perhaps, without all the drama. But I'll be fine that way. I'm alone anyway.

I realise whenever I'm writing, I'm writing about sad things. But basically, that's all I think about whenever I'm not surrounded by people. I think about the worst scenarios, being alone, being fat and ugly  and every other little thing. You could call me acting 'emo', but i really am not trying to act at all. This is who i am, a sad person. I wouldn't call myself depressed, but i'm not happy. You can call me selfish because at least i have friends and my family, but really, I feel empty, like I would dissapear without a trace any second. As if nobody would remember me, as if I wasn't even alive. Afterall, the world is such a big place filled with insignificant creatures.

It would be nice if..

I'm not stupid

Don't give me your bullshit. Since you've met him, I don't think we've been that close anymore. We don't talk as much as we used to. Everybody around me are getting into relationships, while I'm just here, in the room watching movies alone. Everytime they would always go out together. And sometimes, g would be there and she speaks nothing of it. They would always leave me all alone. It doesn't take a genius to know they're alone and left behind, you got that? I hate people who are in love. They forget about their surroundings and commit to their partners, it's like I'm just a booty call so that she's not alone during school hours. I feel like dying. Nobody understands and nobody really cares. I hate myself. I hate myself because i feel so alone, insecure. I hate myself because no matter how much i hate myself and want to die, I know I can't do it.

Sooner or later, I'll just be alone.